Insomnia
It's 12:31 a.m. and I have to be at work at 8, but I can't seem to sleep. I've been tossing and turning for over an hour and don't know what to do, so I thought the best thing to do was blog and get whatever is on my mind off. I went back to work tonight, well, I only work on Fridays and Saturdays anyways and I talked to my friend S in Utah. She's a former friend as of tonight but it bothers me that we're only friends when she isn't occupied with her boyfriend or whatever they are. I'm only remembered when she has issues with them and "needs" me to be there for her. I've never in the 6 years that we've known each other dropped her for a guy, not even for the love of my life. She was like family and she ALWAYS came first, as most of my girl friends did, but I just don't seem to be phased with her bull shit anymore. I'm not always gonna be there when she "needs" me and I hope that she's learned that or is learning that becuase I'm tired of being on the back burner with her, and the rest of them too. I'm just TIRED!!! Can you blame me though? Yea, I didn't think so. I guess that's been on my mind more tonight then I really thought. It really bothered me though and maybe it shouldn't have as much as it did, but it did and that's that. My mind just won't seem to shut off....
Then, there's this guy that I've known for some time now and well, I dunno know, I guess I've also been thinking about him a lot and what could be. I know quite a few people don't like him for previous offenses but I dunno it's weird and very difficult to explain. What ever the case is with him, I, I've been thinking about him more and more. That and kids again, but that's for another night when I really feel like elaborating. Right now I just want everything off my chest so I can get some sleep. Lol...
I went and picked my dad up from Jackson today and we came back. I found out that my uncle, who was doing so well last I heard, is in fact NOT doing so well and my dad was a little more than irritated. My uncle is coming to California from Michigan to stay with my dad for a while and start over, start new but we don't seem to know if that's at all possible. If the rumors we've been hearing are true, my dad might just send him back. We're, as in me, my dad, and possibly my uncle, are going to be going back to Michigan the third week of September or so and I'm excited, assuming I can arrange it with my extern site. I really hope so cause I really wanna go and see my grandparents for the first time in well forever really. We'll see...
Speaking of my extern, I got one at a Methadone Clinic here in town and am a little more than thrilled cause I'll be able to learn so much there, but the hours are outrageous and I am NOT a morning person. LOL... I guess I'll learn though cause like I said, I really want this. It's a place where I can use almost all of the skills learned at school in a real like situation. I'm excited, we'll see how everything goes though...
K... well I THINK I got everything out there so now I'll try and get some sleep... Night ya'll
Thank You
Recently, there was a gentleman who began reading my blogs and was kinda enough to comment. I just want to tell that person Thank you because I really didn't think that anyone read my blogs. I appreciate your kind words and wanted to comment back but this is the best I can do. I also wanted to let you know that I am okay and everything you said is right. I'm on the right track and my focus right now is on school, but again thank you for caring, there's not very many people in this world that would reach out and give there thoughts to a person who desperatley needed them. Thank you and take care...
Back once more
My evening has come to an end and what was chaotic seems to be more calm then my next few days are going to be. Lol. Yea I know... I don't know if I mentioned it but I had my interview today for my externship and it's something that I am very interested in. I like the general location and feel and the patients I don't seem to have any problems with, which is exactly what I want. I know it's not in the field that I want but at least i'll get SOME experience rather than no experience at all. I am looking forward to learning and interacting with real patients and people with real medical issues. Loverly... I know I'm weird! Lol!...
Tomorrow, I have to go up to Jackson again to GET my dad because his cars aren't working the greatest. It'll be a little more hectic than usual but it's there. I have to drive up there and then drive back, go to work at 530 get off at 930 or so and then get back up for work at 8 Saturday morning. Then sometime after ALL that, I have to move my belongings and all into my dad's room after he helps me move things around cause Vanessa and the baby are moving in. So yea, talk about and active few days.
Beyond that, life has been treating me rather descent. I know for a while I was a major downer and everything was bad but after I came to my senses, everything became okay and began getting better. Oh oh oh.. I wanted to tell you what happened the other day.... Sean, Billy's friend, the one I haven't talked to since his boot camp graduation, emailed me the other day. I think it's mainly cause he's getting deployed to Iraq. I just wanted to tell you that cause I found that interesting. I read it the same day that I talked to Jerry and he came and hung out with me.
So yea.. that's all for now... I think I'm actually gonna go to sleep tomorrow.. Got a busy day.. G'night....
Chaos....
It's been rather hectic latley, back to chaos. I started school at LMC again, taking English 100 and Math 12, again, and Spanish 80 online. It's been cool though, Vanessa and I go to school together a lot of the time, so it helps that she's there with me. I wanted to blog the other day as well but I was unable to to log in. Anyways... I had my first English class, since last semester, and I'm telling you that I was completley lost in writing my first essay of the semester. I ended up having a headache in the end, then waited a few hours for Vanessa to ge to get outta class.
I watch the baby tonight while Vanessa is at school. The 2 of them are going to be moving in shortly for a little while, which is cool cause then I won't be completley alone, so I think I'm gonna start cleaning up my dad's room and his closet and stuff. Well... I can't seem to think straight cause I got so many other things on my mind right now, but when I come back later I'll tell you all about what happened yesterday. Later...
Thoughtfulness
Okay, so I'm sure that you've noticed me here more and more latley, mostly because I have something on my mind that I can't seem to fix. I've also shown and made questionable blogs that may or may not have been inappropriate for the few readers I get but this is ALL me people, and without knowing the essence of me well then I am simply nothing to you, as I am to many other people. Nothing!! Untouchable, unnoticed, another warm body in the world. In many aspects this may be true, especially to those who do not know me and it scares me. All the people in the world who do NOT know me. Or rather I don't know. My family loves me and the few people I choose to keep close love me, but latley I am coming to find out that those I hold closest to me are in fact liars and are untrustworthy. You see my "friend", the one I mentioned many times before, was calling my best friend behind my back and the two of them were talking about me, but what if it was more? She, being my best friend, has done stupid shit before I at the time I didn't say anything about it because it was just some stupid guy, but the fact is she knew I liked him more than just a friend, and she still messed around with him. What makes this time any different? I don''t seem to know who I can trust anymore. I have trust issues as it is with people. My "friend" is untrustworthy to me because I told him things in confidentiality and he told someone else. If I wanted her to know, I would have told her, you know? It just all frustrates me.
Lastly, which needs a paragraph of its own, my friend K is so full of herself, it frustrates me even more. Today I went to my friend M's house to hang out and we were gonna go shopping, anyways, as she and I were talking she asked me if I talked to K, and naturally I said no because I hadn't. Well I guess M asked her if she was going to be an MA forever or if she had plans on moving forward in her career and education and then went on to tell her about my educational goals and how I wanted to be a Midwife. I response, K was like "oh yea I want to be a midwife and that's why L, being me, wants to be one". I was a little irritated at that comment and the more it sat on me the more irritated I got, mainly because I know almost the exact hour I wanted to become a midwife. Can she? It was the hours my sister was in labor with my last nephew and my godson. After my nephew was born, I sat talking with her midwife ,who had just delivered my little, and asked her all about becoming a midwife. At about 12:30 a.m. on May 24, after witnessing the birth of my nephew and the after birth of her placent, I decided to become a Midwife. Can K say that? I bet not and that's what irritates me. I am nobody's follower and she had absolutley NOTHING to do with my future goals for myself. I thought I would vent that and share my frustrations.
Things for me are decent right now so I am gonna go lay down and get ready for tomorrow. I'm driving up to Jackson to see my dad. G'night!!!
Cutting....
A subject society doesn't want to talk about. Today as I was surfing the net I googled cutters anonymous and found this site allpoetry.com. See, I have been a cutter for a little over a year now and realized that it's a way of being in control and feeling something other than emotional pain. I know it sounds ridiculously stupid but for me, it brings something different to my life, it reminds me every day that I am alive. I don't cut all the time, only when I'm completley and totally depressed and can't seem to feel anything but pain. It's a way of being in control of my body and emotion and in this way calms me down. My family and friends would say I'm crazy and I need help but I am helping myself. I guess if they really understood why I did it it would be a different story, but they don't and they won't. I told my cousin N today because she reads my blog but rather than her no one else knows. I just told people I had an accident at home. Has anyone else experienced any of this?
On top of that, I ended things with my "friend" today. I can't trust him and I don't want to be "friends" with someone I can't trust. You see last night when I practically begged him to be here, I also text him with "what's funny is I might not be here tomorrow" because that's how I felt. Today when he called to "check" on me, I didn't answer cause I was making myself breakfast and he called my best friend and asked her about it. You see if I wanted her to know that I was having problems and suicidal thoughts I would have told her but I didn't and instead he does it and she gets all pissy with me. I don't need that right now and I don't need him lecturing me. He called her behind my back not once but twice, who knows how many other times he's called her and they've talked. I dunno, maybe I'm making too much of this, or maybe I'm not. I dunno but after a while I was okay. I'm okay! Well I am now. I'll be around later though....
And when
all else goes bad.. all you have is battle marks, that may scar and forever be a reminder of your weakest point, weakest moment. For some strange reason, last night I broke completley down and as I look back at last night, old patterns don't help the situation but for some reason can not be avoided. It helps for 2 seconds, to feel the physical pain rather than the emotional pain of not knowing what's wrong but crying for hours until finally you cry yourself to sleep, and the only thing that kept me from going further and doing more was my sisters birthday card and the children I have yet to have. Unfortunatley at the moment, I don't know if I want to have kids because I don't want them going through what I am going through with depression, but if these constant reminders can keep me grounded for a while then maybe it wasn't all bad, or maybe it was. I don't know.. I guess I'll be back later tonight..
I just wanna
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa scream... I don't know what my problem is latley, latley being the last couple of weeks. I don't know what it is about today especially because it's just one of those days where I don't want to really talk to anyone, I just wanna be all alone and then all of a sudden a few hours ago I started to cry, I mean water works, and I don't seem to know why. I don't know where they came from or why they came now but they're here and there not stopping any time soon. I called a friend to help me out but he's more worried about getting to bed then he is about me. I mean I practically begged him to be here with me cause I need some type of intimacy for some reason, I NEED him to be here. I NEVER would of said that if it weren't the complete and total truth right now. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME and I don't like feeling vulnerable and weak. WTF is my problem..... I hate this... I thought suicide last night and a few nights ago again and then today I read my birthday card from my sister from last year and it reminded me of why I didn't want to think that way anymore, but still... What is wrong with me RIGHT now... cause I don't like it at ALL....
Long Long
week... Starting out, Monday I was sick, vomiting ALL morning and sleeping for the rest. I was tired ALL day long. Tuesday, wasn't much different, I wasn't vomiting though but I did stay home because I wasn't sure what I had and wasn't sure if it was contagious or not. Wednesday I went to school and it was a pretty easy day, Dr. Messiha didn't have us do to much and me, he put me straight to work setting out instruments and stuff for the other students. Thursday was the same but al the time, I was bored and tired and depressed. Friday wasn't to much excitement so I just came home after school and did absolutley nothing. I know terribly exciting!Today, I am in such a pleasant mood, I don't even seem to know what the deal is. Lol. I know what can I say. I cooked and cleaned and baked and in a few minutes I'm gonna go walking so I'll be back later..
