Anywhere but Here

Cutting....

A subject society doesn't want to talk about. Today as I was surfing the net I googled cutters anonymous and found this site allpoetry.com. See, I have been a cutter for a little over a year now and realized that it's a way of being in control and feeling something other than emotional pain. I know it sounds ridiculously stupid but for me, it brings something different to my life, it reminds me every day that I am alive. I don't cut all the time, only when I'm completley and totally depressed and can't seem to feel anything but pain. It's a way of being in control of my body and emotion and in this way calms me down. My family and friends would say I'm crazy and I need help but I am helping myself. I guess if they really understood why I did it it would be a different story, but they don't and they won't. I told my cousin N today because she reads my blog but rather than her no one else knows. I just told people I had an accident at home. Has anyone else experienced any of this?

On top of that, I ended things with my "friend" today. I can't trust him and I don't want to be "friends" with someone I can't trust. You see last night when I practically begged him to be here, I also text him with "what's funny is I might not be here tomorrow" because that's how I felt. Today when he called to "check" on me, I didn't answer cause I was making myself breakfast and he called my best friend and asked her about it. You see if I wanted her to know that I was having problems and suicidal thoughts I would have told her but I didn't and instead he does it and she gets all pissy with me. I don't need that right now and I don't need him lecturing me. He called her behind my back not once but twice, who knows how many other times he's called her and they've talked. I dunno, maybe I'm making too much of this, or maybe I'm not. I dunno but after a while I was okay. I'm okay! Well I am now. I'll be around later though....

posted by Inkedfemme @ 9:52 PM