When my heart hurts...
All I can do is cry and continue to feel the pain in my chest. Today was an off day, I dunno, latley everyday seems to be an off day with my depression. I tend to miss him more each day the closer October gets and I just can't handle it. I was looking for pictures today to make a collage for my BF cause she's leaving me in a few weeks and as I was going through them, I came upon pictures of him that I thought I had put away. Little did I know that I didn't cause this was the first time that I had gone throught the box since we split. I just broke down in tears and continued to cry all the way through them. So in my despair, I needed
SOMETHING to do and went to the local Lowe's, picked up some paint and painted 2 of my walls a
chocolate brown. I needed a change you know, I needed to get my mind off of it some how and that is exactly what I did. Then, earlier in the day I sent him a quote from Blink 182 just expressing how I missed his friendship and wondered if I would ever find a friend like him again. He sent me a reply and I didn't know how to take it;
"I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, abetter fuckThan any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had meGirl I was it, look past the sweat, a better lovedeserving ofExchanging body heat in the passenger seat?No, no, no, you know it will always just be me."~Panic! At the Disco~I mean how would you take that? i don't really know, so it's like we're using lyrics to express ourselves but I don't know how to interpret that one and I can't ask him cause he won't answer me. I just miss him talking to me and being my friend cause even after all that I still thought of him as one of my best friends in the whole world and to have that part missing still makes me feel like a part of
ME is missing. I don't know if any of this makes any sense to you because I can't figure out if it makes any sense to me not that that makes sense.. Lol.. I just don't know what to think or how to feel. It seems to me like everytime I am vulnerable he does something like this and when i'm okay and strong he doesn't. I just don't understand what the fuck is his problem and what he's thinking when he does shit like this. OMG... I miss him still to this day.. Almost a year later... I'm sorry but I guess I'll go and come back with pictures and stuff of my room manana.. So yea...
In the late nights
I'm still missing him. There's still a whole in my heart and I guess it's a lot bigger than I thought it was at first cause I still miss him. Everything about him, our life together. It almost makes me want to cry but its only sometimes that I feel this way, other days I feel fine and am not worried about it but then there's nights like this that make me remember every detail of what was once "US". Now the thought of him being with someone else still makes me sick to my stomach and I don't quite know what to do. My "friend" that is supposed to make me feel better and help me forget about him isn't helping all that much but I guess I would rather deal with my feelings for him now than not to and wait the way he is. See he jumped into his next relationship like 2 years didn't matter, but it matter to me and nights like this make me want to cry when I really want him here. I know that that will never happen again but it's still sad when sometimes I really want it too. I know pathetic but I am just that sometimes. PATHETIC. I never dreamed I would fall in love so badly as I have done with him. He was my first love and the only conquerer of my heart.
On a different note, I was in SD for the weekend and for the most part had fun even though it felt like a million degrees plus humidity. I saw my nephews and my lil one and boy has he gotten big and even more adorable. I love them kids! My friend B's dog was gettin on my nerves though. That is by far the worst dog that I have ever had to watch and I haven't had to watch many but still, she was driving me nuts. We're home now and they will be back tomorrow, but for now I think I need to get some sleep some I'll tell you some more good news and stuff tomorrow. LOL...
One of the best
Okay so yesterday was one of the best days that I could of had. I found out that it I have the possibility to extern at Kaiser in Martinez. I mean that's huge you know. Kaiser Martinez is the biggest outpatient hospital here. I mean I could be doing my extern in a HOSPITAL. I'm stoked! Then my friend came over and we did the dirty and that was that, but it was such a good day.
On top of that, I went to LMC and figured out what classes I am going to take there. So I'm taking Prealgebra again, English 100, and Spanish online. I'm kinda excited but nervous at the same time. Overall, yesterday was a good day.
Today so far is all bad. I woke up late for school again, which is the reason I'm here right now cause I have all the time in the world to be late for school. Well actually, 20 minutes before I have to leave. I am mad though that I was late cause I didn't want to be. I hate being late or missing school. Even a little part of school! So yea, Imma go finish getting ready for school. I guess I'll be back later..
Some Nights...
I still wanna cry with overwhelming sadness and missing him. Always missing him for some reason, especially latley. Out of my own stupidity I im'ed him and told him that "It's not that I can't live with out you, it's that I don't want to." I also told him that I still loved him, again out of my own stupidity but I really do miss him. It really really dawned on me that he was really and truly my first real love and I think he had more of an impact on me then I did on him, and I took his virginity. WTF!?! I don't get it, how did I let myself get into something like that, the me before would have NEVER let that happen. Again, WTF!?! What was I thinking when all that went on, where was my mind. Luckily, I am going to therapy regularly, which in my opinion is helping tremendously, but will NEVER bring him back to me.
I just seem to be rambling tonight, I know, I know but sometimes it's healthy for me to ramble.
On the upside, I am house-sitting for my friend while she's on vacation and her dog is a f'ing menace. I mean I knew she was but good lord is she a pain in the ASS. She pisses in the house, chews on things, tries to hump my dog (they're both females), barks at every little thing, nad then doesn't really eat. Good lord! This experiece has made me realize MY dog is an incredible dog and I am completley lucky that she is the way she is cause I would have gone crazy if she was like this one. You have no idea.
A different note, I was talking to this guy in Iraq and all of sudden we stopped talking. Don't ask me why cause I don't really know and I don't really know why I'm even bringing this up cause I don't really care, I guess I just need something else to ramble about cause my mind needs to be elsewhere right now. Anywho.. I need to catch some Z's so Late...
The Plan
Okay.. so I spent some time today trying to figure out what I wanted to do in life besides the end solution, which is to be a midwife. I thought about the road I am going to take to get there and I have figured it out. I am attending Western Career College for Medical Assisting and will have completed the program in 6 weeks plus a month of extern. Afterwards, I am going back to LMC, the local JC, and am going to getting my Associates in Science from there. From there, I am going back to Western to get my RN degree and then get certified then transfer from LMC to UC Hayward(EAST) to get my Bachelor's in Nursing. So that's the big plan. What do you think? I'm gonna be in school for about 5-6 more years and that's okay with me cause this is what I really really want and I'm finally excited about it. So nothings gonna get in my way of getting there. After I get ALL that done, I'm gonna figure out what I have to do to become a midwife and then I'm done with school. I know it's a lot of work and I'll be doing it for a long time but like I said before, I really want this. Really though, what do you think? You think I'm crazy, huh? It's okay most people would think I'm crazy but it'll pay off in the long run and that's where I'm looking right now. I know my dad'll be proud! My goal is to be able to take care of my dad instead of my dad always taking care of me and after putting me through college for this long it'll be good. I was gonna write yesterday but some of the girls came over and watched movies and hung out so that's why I didn't get to make it in yesterday. On the up side though, I passed my test with a 91% and my class with 2 A's, 98% in lecture and 100% in lab. I know, I know, Imma genius.. Lol.. well imma go and do some homework and get ready for school.. Night...
Can I not be irritated for more than 2 hours @ a Time...
Yesterday wasn't a very pleasant day, I guess it was just decent. I went to therapy like I mentioned yesterday and I felt so much better, especially after a few weeks of not going and she reassured me that she'd always be there, no matter if I get irritated and stop coming, she'd still be there when I decided to come back. A part of me WANTS to believe her but my mentallity is "PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE, NO MATTER WHAT" and it's been the truth for me for most of my life. Most people are untrustworthy and I am afraid to trust them and I push them away because of it but she promised she'd be there. Do I believe her? Should I allow myself to believe her? I've had this wall up around me since forever and I am slowly tearing it down to show her my vulnerable side and I have NEVER done that, not even to most of my family. I need to take care of myself. I realized in my appointment yesterday, that I am afraid to let people in because in the back of my mind I'm always telling myself they're gonna leave anyways. That's why I used to fight with my ex, to see how far I could push him, to see if he's leave and obviously he's my ex so I pushed him that far away. All of this was brought up cause I was talking about my "friend" and my ex yesterday and in a way it's a good thing because I have NEVER talked about things like that before. I am trying my hardest to open up and express my feelings in a healthier way than what I did with him. What happened with him isn't something that I want to happen again, especially not to the extreme it went. I mean I almost killed myself and I still had to live with the consequences it left, and on top of that my family's dispare for almost losing me. It's all really crazy right now and latley I have just been feeling really really lonely. Only time will heal my deep wounds and that time is still passing...
The other reason I was so upset yesterday is imply because my mom. I called her from work because my nephews are here and I wanted to check up on them and see what they were doing and my mom said they were playing. Well you see my mom, her husband, my nephews, and my brother were all getting ready to go camping the next day and to my surprise I hear Ed's daughter Christine in the background. Christine and I do not talk anymore because of her big mouth and so i asked my mom if she was going with them and she said yes. For some reason it irritated the hell out of me and I hung up with my mom. All I could do was sit there thinking I don't want the crack whore around my boys and they wouldn't even be talking if I hadn't tried to kill myself. It was me who brought them all together and now they're all buddy buddy. Fine be like that! They don't invite me to do anything, I probably wouldn't go, but that's not the point. So yea maybe I am a little jealous but whatever the case is, it irritated the hell outta me.
There, that made me feel a lot better just getting all of that out there for the whole community to see but you know what I feel better. I'm starting to really feel better! I haven't felt like that in a LONG time. Well I gotta get to school and finish cooking so I'll try and write again later...
Just one of them days....
(Don't Take it Personal) Just one of them days
Artist: MonicaIt's just one of them daysWhen i wanna be all aloneIt's just one of them daysWhen i gotta be all aloneIt's just one of them daysDon't take it personalI just wanna be all aloneAnd you think i treat you wrongVerse 1:I wanna take some time out to think things throughI know it always feels i'm doing you wrongBut i'm so in love with youSo understand that i'm only in loveYou're the only one i needSo have no thought that i want to leaveAnd baby trust me pleaseChorus:It's just one of them daysThat a girl goes throughWhen i'm angry insideDon't wanna take it out on youJust one of them thingsDon't take it personalI just wanna be all aloneAnd you think i treat you wrongDon't take it personalBaby, baby, baby, baby ,babyDon't take it personalVerse 2:I sit and i think about everything we doAnd i find myself in misery and that ain't coolHey now, I really wanna be with you the whole way throughBut the way you make me feel inside leaves confusedAs i swing back mood to mood it's not because of youI never want you to be insecureSo won't you understand that i'm only in love you're the only one i needI'll be there for you when you need me boySo baby don't still leaveChorus:Just one of them daysThat a girl goes throughWhen i'm angry insideDon't wanna take it out on youJust one of them thingsDon't take it personalI just wanna be all aloneAnd you think i treat you wrongChorus:Just one of them days (Just one of them days)That a girl goes throughWhen i'm angry insideI don't wanna take it out on youJust one of them thingsDon't take it personalI just wanna be all aloneAnd you think i treat you wrongDon't take it personalBaby, baby, baby, baby ,babyDon't take it personalDon't take it personal, yeahDon't take it personalChorus:Just one of them days (Just one of them days)A girl goes throughWhen i'm angry insideDon't wanna take it out on youJust one of them thingsDon't take it personalI just wanna be all aloneAnd you think i treat you wrongDon't take it personal baby, personal baby, personal babypersonal baby, personal baby, personal baby, personal babypersonal babayJust one of them daysThis is eaxctly how I feel today. It's just one of them days that I just wanna fly away and never look back. It started out good or rather decent considering I woke up late than was running late and pretty much failed my test but hey over all it was a decent day. I went to therapy today and it helped tremendously, then about and hour or two after I called my mom and got irritated all over again. Don't ask why just yet, I guess I'll be able to vent later but I wanted to share this song with ya'll cause this is exactly how I am feeling right now.. It's just one of them days....
Another night...
of lonliness and insomnia. I don't seem to know what the problem is but I can NOT sleep for the life of me. I tried meditating because that usually works for me but not tonight. I guess with everything going on latley it's all been on my mind, I just can't narrow it down to one thing right now. I guess today it was the baby thing. I mean I have been having all these symptoms but when I took urine tests they were negative and then when I took a blood test it came out negative as well. I just don't seem to know what's wrong with me. I guess I wanted a baby more than I thought I had. I really wanted it even if that meant giving up my life here to move away. Life, or rather I, just seem so lonley lately.
I miss my ex and it dawned on me today that it's almost been a year since we broke up, a year in October. I guess that too is bothering me. Everything all at once is just waying down on me again. Well not like that again, but again nonetheless. I never imagined I'd love someone the way I still love him but that's not gonna change right now and I don't know what to do with myself. I hate love, which is the reason I do not date and why I am NEVER getting married, but that's just me.
Anyways, I think I just needed to vent for a few minutes, so Imma get to bed and be back tomorrow. I am almost positive that I am not gonna be able to sleep again.. G'night
