Anywhere but Here

Ugh

Is exactly how I feel right now. I am so stressed and irritated it's not even funny. Obviously by the date you can come to figure out that yes, we have had our little one, and it's been an interesting 5 weeks. My labor and her delivery is a story for another day though, not that anyone really reads me. Right now I just need to vent and vent a lot.

Today, the hubby and I went to visit a friend of mine who recently bought a house and introduce her to the baby. Synamin (the friend) and I were talking about how much we LOVE Stephanie Meyers' Twilight series and how we couldn't put it down and can't wait for Breaking Dawn to be released. After leaving her house and visiting my sister, Synamin text me about the Twilight movie that's coming out on December 12th and I told her I would come down so we could see it together. I wasn't being completley serious but it was an idea since I have no one to go with back home who actually read the book(s). Dh decided he was going to put his two cents in and said "All you wanna do is spend money! Going here and there!" I asked him what money I was really spending because I don't spend that much and have no intentions on spending anymore than my usual just because I want to visit some friends while he's deployed. He frustrates me and makes me mad and a lot of the times makes me feel almost inadequate because I'm not working and I'm not the one contributing to income. He makes remarks here and there and this one was a big one. I'm just so tired of hearing it. It makes me want to me single again. I mean hell, if I went back to work I could put DD in daycare and make it work, lots of single mom's do. I'm just so tired. He says that I have to make the sacrifice to live with his parents, which is something I'll get to in a minute, to save money but apparently since it's his money I can't do anything within the 7 months he'll be away. It really just makes me so frickin mad and irritated. He almost makes me seem like a gold digger. Or like I don't manage his money properly or something. Ugh!!!!

On top of these money issues, we're preparing for a rather large move and instead of moving into my own apartment back home where I would have my own space, I have sacrificed that to live with his parents for the duration of his deployment. Like that's not a sacrifice in itself. Don't get me wrong, I love my in-laws but from a distance is best. We're close but not that close and I haven't lived with parentals since I was 15. Not only am I having to live there, but I have to pack my life into as little things as possible to be there because not only are my things a must but so are DD's, which is a lot more than you could possibly imagine for such a little person. He makes me feel like I'm not giving up anything and I'm not doing anything. I've been looking for jobs back home because of how he makes me feel but then I have to find a daycare that's adequate and trusting and convienant because someone has to watch the little one while I'm away. My MIL is not working right now but she's planning to go back when she gets back from England and who knows how long or short that might be. I don't want her to feel like she has to watch the baby. I can't leave DD at my mom's because I don't like nor do I trust my mom's husband, plus she lives like 30mins or so from my in-laws. It's almost a lose lose situation and sadly it all makes me want to cry and on top of that cut again. How absolutley unhealthy is that? Parts of me just feel bad, actually I take that back, he makes me feel that bad and I hate that I'm letting him make me feel that way. Sadly, I know how my mom feels now and I feel like such a hypocrite. I really hate that feeling.

Not only do I have his deployment, this upcoming move, my mental health issues at this point, I now have to worry about insomnia due to all these things floating around in my head. Like I don't have enough to worry about and stress over. Sad as it is to say, I hate him right now and I almost wish I wasn't married. If only! Right now I have no one to talk to and all I can really think about is cutting. How pathetic, but it is in the forefront of my mind right now. HELP! It's taking literally all of my control to not. Since I can talk about it obviously somethings going right but I'm afraid at this point if I stop typing and put the computer down because I have nothing left to say, somehow the blade will find some part of my body. A part of me says "well at least it's not suicide" but I shouldn't be feeling this way or thinking like that. Fuck!! What's wrong with me? Am I that seriously fucked up in the head still? I could have sworn I took care of this. Seriously, it only happens when peopl or in this case Dh makes me feel inadequate. Or like I'm a screw up or somthing and I'm not doing anything to contribute to this family. I hate that, truly honestly hate that!

Okay, now that that is out there and I've paused to take a few deep breaths, I think that I will read even though its 12 minutes to midnight and I really should get to bed. Ugh!!!!

Labels: cutting, inadequacy, Life, marriage, venting

posted by Inkedfemme @ 11:26 PM