Can I not be irritated for more than 2 hours @ a Time...
Yesterday wasn't a very pleasant day, I guess it was just decent. I went to therapy like I mentioned yesterday and I felt so much better, especially after a few weeks of not going and she reassured me that she'd always be there, no matter if I get irritated and stop coming, she'd still be there when I decided to come back. A part of me WANTS to believe her but my mentallity is "PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE, NO MATTER WHAT" and it's been the truth for me for most of my life. Most people are untrustworthy and I am afraid to trust them and I push them away because of it but she promised she'd be there. Do I believe her? Should I allow myself to believe her? I've had this wall up around me since forever and I am slowly tearing it down to show her my vulnerable side and I have NEVER done that, not even to most of my family. I need to take care of myself. I realized in my appointment yesterday, that I am afraid to let people in because in the back of my mind I'm always telling myself they're gonna leave anyways. That's why I used to fight with my ex, to see how far I could push him, to see if he's leave and obviously he's my ex so I pushed him that far away. All of this was brought up cause I was talking about my "friend" and my ex yesterday and in a way it's a good thing because I have NEVER talked about things like that before. I am trying my hardest to open up and express my feelings in a healthier way than what I did with him. What happened with him isn't something that I want to happen again, especially not to the extreme it went. I mean I almost killed myself and I still had to live with the consequences it left, and on top of that my family's dispare for almost losing me. It's all really crazy right now and latley I have just been feeling really really lonely. Only time will heal my deep wounds and that time is still passing...The other reason I was so upset yesterday is imply because my mom. I called her from work because my nephews are here and I wanted to check up on them and see what they were doing and my mom said they were playing. Well you see my mom, her husband, my nephews, and my brother were all getting ready to go camping the next day and to my surprise I hear Ed's daughter Christine in the background. Christine and I do not talk anymore because of her big mouth and so i asked my mom if she was going with them and she said yes. For some reason it irritated the hell out of me and I hung up with my mom. All I could do was sit there thinking I don't want the crack whore around my boys and they wouldn't even be talking if I hadn't tried to kill myself. It was me who brought them all together and now they're all buddy buddy. Fine be like that! They don't invite me to do anything, I probably wouldn't go, but that's not the point. So yea maybe I am a little jealous but whatever the case is, it irritated the hell outta me.
There, that made me feel a lot better just getting all of that out there for the whole community to see but you know what I feel better. I'm starting to really feel better! I haven't felt like that in a LONG time. Well I gotta get to school and finish cooking so I'll try and write again later...
posted by Inkedfemme @ 9:21 AM
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