I wonder why I have this blog...
I rarely use it, maybe once a year at most. For some reason though I feel the need to keep it even if I only utilize it once a year. It's nice to know that when I want to I can without having to start a whole new blog. Plus, it's one of the only things no one really knows I have. That in itself is comforting.
I stare at the screen sometimes so long that I forget what I wanted to say in the first place. Either that or there's just so much going on I don't know where to start. Right now I'm thinking that typing about the deployment is most important. This is S' third deployment in 6 years, second in the last 4 years, and first since we had M and E. Thankfully it's winding down but this has been such a long separation.
Most days I'm not sure I can get through them. I have to sit back and take deep breathes because I miss him so much. Half the time I want to cry over every little thing. It all brings me to semi-tears. I hate that. I hate what moving so far away from family has done to me, but I also hated being home. I guess it's a lose-lose situation until he gets home. I suppose this is what happens when my life revolves around my family but what's a girl to do?
Like I said though, it's thankfully winding down. He'll be home soon and I'll be able to sleep better and feel better. I hate these sleepless nights and icky feelings. I hate knowing that he's out on missions instead of home with me and his children. Such is our life though, right?
I've been feeling a little depressed lately. I think it's the main reason I haven't felt like cleaning my house much and just want to sleep all day. Right now though, I'm not sure how to fix it. I don't really have the time or luxury to feel down, but I feel badly when all I wanna do is sleep. I guess I should get back into a workout routine.
Anyways... enough of my nonsense. When I have an interesting thought or something good/funny happen then I'll blog again. For now, I'll ttyl.
It's been a while
Seems to me I have completely forgotten that I had a blog, obviously! So here I am... blogging for no apparent reason.
Life has been crazy busy this past year. We moved to North Carolina, bought a home, a new vehicle, hubby's been working crazy busy hours ever since, and we're going on pregnancy #2 for the year of 2010 (I miscarried baby #2). When I say life has been crazy busy I truly mean it. Not only has all of that been happening but in the middle of it all somehow I was able to finally get my butt back to school. Hooray for me right? Ummm no! haha. I've been even busier than usual.
I think the last time I wrote we had already moved to NC but a little recap since I can't exactly remember what I wrote. (Go figure, right?) Husband is in the Marine Corps and the Corps said we had to relocate and relocate we did last summer. We took a month off and spent a few weeks here and there on the drive to the east coast. Nothing special, just visiting. We closed on our home in August and hubby went straight to work from there pretty much. Shortly after the new year, we traded in our Tahoe for a Fusion-- since we sorta live in the country-- and it's been a better driving situation for us. All in all, moving to NC was an experience and one we're not regretting but makes me miss home everyday!
At the end of December 2009, I got pregnant with our 2nd baby. I thought things were going extremely well but at the end of February 2010 I experienced my first miscarriage and it tore me to pieces. DH was away on business and I was left to deal with it all alone =( Definitely not something I would like to happen again but everything happens for a reason, right? I'd like to think so at least. In early May I found out I was pregnant again and thankfully this baby has been doing extremely well. He (yes, he) is very healthy and I'm feeling really well given the fact that as I type this I am 7 months pregnant with our son. I feel blessed to have a second chance so soon after my MC. Our baby boy, Evan Tyler, is due January 19, 2011. So any and all good vibes sent my way are welcome =)
I decided to finally get back to school this Fall and I have to admit, I am totally rocking the school scene again. I feel really good about it this time around and I'm doing my best to stick to it and get my AA at least before we have to PCS again. Right now I'm only taking an English course and a Psych course but anything more than that would totally kill me. haha. Next semester I'll be even busier with a new baby, husband leaving for a while due to work, a house to take care of and 2.5 year-old to watch after but such is the life of a mother right? lol. Yea I thought so.
So really, truly, honestly, nothing that interesting to report or share but now that I have rediscovered my little blog and I realize that no body but myself really reads this, I think that I will have to blog more. Yea, I think I will!!
Labels: 2010, nothing, Pregnancy
=)
I wonder sometimes, if it's possible to love someone more than every fiber of your being or as my husband put it tonight, " more than all the stars, planets, universes', and empty space in all the sky!" I mean is it really possible to love and be loved that much? It's hard to believe at times that it's been almost 3 years since we got married and started our life together and almost a year and a half since our daughter was born. With every day that passes by I somehow seem to love him more and more. So I guess somehow it is possible. Sometimes I feel like I'm the luckiest woman in the world (I'm sure most feel that way) and that at any moment it's going to be taken away from me. Guess that's the pessimist in me. lol. But really though, how can life be this good. You know? Like that cliche... if it looks to good to be true it probably is.
It's also hard to believe that it's been 4 years since my "stunt" and my life was going down hill and fast. All of sudden it seemed to get better and better and seems to continue on that road. Four years ago this month, actually I think it was this day even I was laying in an ER bed thinking my life was over; wishing my life was over. And now I'm thankful to TPTB for giving me a second chance and starting over in a sense. For helping me find myself and not only myself but the man of my dreams. I used to say that when DH and I connected again and started our relationship and then quickly married that he saved me!! To this day I believe that he did. He made me want to be a better person and even though I have my moments he loves me and I want to be better for him. Then he gave me the gift of motherhood. We couldn't be happier! We may not have all the money in the world but he provides for us. We go not wanting to much and even though at the end of the pay period we're down to pennies, we're as happy as can be, especially when we're together.
It's things like this that make me wonder about people who treat there families badly or have major self-pity issues when they have people who care for them and love them and want to be with them. Idk where I'm going with this but it's just one of those things that I think about from time to time when my husband says the sweetest thing to me or cuddles me unexpectedly. Some days they feel few and far between but it truly is a gift to love and be loved.
Confused
The Mister and I kind of had a disagreement today and I feel so bad since he calls maybe once a week but it's really bugging me and I can't sleep. He's deployed right now and honestly, I don't know how we are going to make it through this in one piece especially with me living with his parents.
I'm confused, lonely, sexual deprived and going crazy one day at a time. I really just want to move back, be near base and other stay at home mom's and feel like things are semi normal. I know they're not right now but I really just want that. I miss him but at this rate we're not gonna get through this.
A little late entry
09062008
There are days lately that seem to go on forever and days that seem to completely fly by so fast. Dawn turns to dusk and vice versa and for some reason I can’t seem to get a hold on anything. It’s irrational I know to see everything in this way but I do and I can’t help it. I can’t sleep, I eat due to stress, I’m craving chocolate all the time because I think my period is right around the corner. Everything is just so crazy right now.
He hasn’t even left yet and I want him home already. I even told him that and of course he agrees mostly because he can SEE how it’s starting to affect me already. I really hope that we can get through this, all of this. The deployment, me living with my in-laws, the distance. It’s all going to add up sooner or later and I just don’t know how this is going to work out for us. I told him though that things may not always be the best at times but I am definitely going to push myself and try my best. I’ll give it my all and that seems to be all I can do. I really wish we end up on top after all this.
Beyond that, we’re staying with my sister until he leaves and it is completely driving me nuts. Everything about here is irritating. I have something to complain about everyday. I mean there house is absolutely messy and dirty and things are always cluttered. Clutter, mess, etc all drives me nuts. I don’t know why it does but it makes me feel overwhelmed and I really hate it. I told Dh about my obsession with organization and I don’t think he quite understood until now. Now that I have everything on my plate and we’re here. I finally think that he gets it. Lol. And when we think about it makes us laugh. I know stupid thing, I’m just that way. In about a week, my sister is moving into her new house and I hope by doing so things’ll be better since it’s brand new. Not much to worry about as far as cleaning. You know? I truly can’t wait.
I’m also a little depressed about my weight. I really hate it but I’m starting on slim quick again since it helped the last time I used it and I’m starting a diet and exercise regimen. Hopefully I’ll start feeling better about myself and will be skinnier by the time he gets home. I can’t wait to have the more confident me back. I really think Dh would like it better.
Alright well, I think I’ve vented enough for now and it doesn’t quite matter if I haven’t cause my comps about to die on me so I’ll be back another day.
I promised my L&D story... and here it is
I had a pretty easy pregnancy minus the fluctuating BP that was high enough to have them poke me a lot, do 24 hour urine tests weekly, and send me to NST to check the baby weekly as well. I'd been to the hospital so much for little things and big things that I was just so tired of being there.
My dad came into town around the beginning of the second week in June to stay until M was born and it was great cause DH was TDY in Yuma for a few weeks and had just left. I'd seen my midwife the day he left and she told me I was 2cm 80% effaced and she stripped my membranes in hopes that it would speed up the process. Well unfortunatley that did not work, so my dad and I hung around the house after he got here cause I was on modified bedrest with my BP issues. On the 18th DH came home early because he had to qual. in the rifle range and thankfully he did. The 19th I had another dr's appt and she again stripped my membranes and this time I think it actually did something. DH was home and they suggested a few ways to move things along and when your without your husband for a little while, you know what happens. lol. =). i wasn't feeling any pain besides a few cramps and upper back aches but nothing that warranted concern. Friday night, the 20th, DH, my dad, and I went out to dinner at Tony Roma's in PB and it was a nice evening out. Unfortunatley, I had insomnia and couldn't sleep until 4 a.m. The 21st, i woke up at 7:30 to go to the bathroom like usual and honestly, something was different about it. I ignored it even tho I was cramping, but in my defense, I had pee cramps practically every morning and thought that's what it was. I tried to sleep it off cause I only had about 3 hours of sleep and I couldn't fig out why I couldn't sleep. About an hour later I was in a little bit more pain and that's when DH woke up. He apparently knew that I was in labor but I refused to go to the hospital. We tried to shower but that wasn't helping and finally i broke down about 9:30 or so I think and said let's go. It took me a bit to get downstairs and in the car, not to mention the time it took Dh and my dad to get ready and get my things. We left and headed down to the hospital and on the way there, DH was speeding and a cop pulled him over only because he said that DH looked like " he was flipping him off with his eyes!' WTF. Anyways, I'm sitting there in pain saying I don't have time for this and the cop let us go after being a pain in the ass. lol. We get to the hospital and I'm so stubborn I insist on walking up, but the second I get out of the car, I can't move. DH went to get a wheel chair and my dad stayed outside with me holding me up. Apparently, the wheel chair had to come from L&D and they took forever. By the time I got up and into triage, I'm begging them to let me sit on the toilet, and they wouldn't let me because the doctor needed to check me. While in triage, they could not figure out how far along I was. One said 8cm another said 5-6cm. Either way, they moved me to and L&D room where my nurse came in and I again begged to sit on the toilet. She wouldn't let me because I needed to be checked again. At that time I begged for drugs and she told me she needed to take blood and get my IV going, so then I begged for IV meds. Long story short, she couldn't give me any drugs and I couldn't sit on the toilet because by the time a doctor came in and checked me my cervix had thinned all the way and she pushed that aside and my water broke. M started making my stomach contract sod that it was starting to cut off oxygen and push her out as quickly as possible. Another doctor came in and said she'd give me lidocain down there but because I really had the urge to push, she let me without it and M came out in 3 pushes. She shot out, the doctor actually had to catch her. It was amazing and then the pain completley went away. It was loverly! So even though I said I didn't want drugs in my birth plan, and begged for them when I got there, my labor and delivery was all natural without them and a piece of cake. I was discharged the next day. =)
Whew that was a long story. =) Okay well u can't say I never did anything for u. =)
Ugh
Is exactly how I feel right now. I am so stressed and irritated it's not even funny. Obviously by the date you can come to figure out that yes, we have had our little one, and it's been an interesting 5 weeks. My labor and her delivery is a story for another day though, not that anyone really reads me. Right now I just need to vent and vent a lot.
Today, the hubby and I went to visit a friend of mine who recently bought a house and introduce her to the baby. Synamin (the friend) and I were talking about how much we LOVE Stephanie Meyers' Twilight series and how we couldn't put it down and can't wait for Breaking Dawn to be released. After leaving her house and visiting my sister, Synamin text me about the Twilight movie that's coming out on December 12th and I told her I would come down so we could see it together. I wasn't being completley serious but it was an idea since I have no one to go with back home who actually read the book(s). Dh decided he was going to put his two cents in and said "All you wanna do is spend money! Going here and there!" I asked him what money I was really spending because I don't spend that much and have no intentions on spending anymore than my usual just because I want to visit some friends while he's deployed. He frustrates me and makes me mad and a lot of the times makes me feel almost inadequate because I'm not working and I'm not the one contributing to income. He makes remarks here and there and this one was a big one. I'm just so tired of hearing it. It makes me want to me single again. I mean hell, if I went back to work I could put DD in daycare and make it work, lots of single mom's do. I'm just so tired. He says that I have to make the sacrifice to live with his parents, which is something I'll get to in a minute, to save money but apparently since it's his money I can't do anything within the 7 months he'll be away. It really just makes me so frickin mad and irritated. He almost makes me seem like a gold digger. Or like I don't manage
his money properly or something. Ugh!!!!
On top of these money issues, we're preparing for a rather large move and instead of moving into my own apartment back home where I would have my own space, I have sacrificed that to live with his parents for the duration of his deployment. Like that's not a sacrifice in itself. Don't get me wrong, I love my in-laws but from a distance is best. We're close but not that close and I haven't lived with parentals since I was 15. Not only am I having to live there, but I have to pack my life into as little things as possible to be there because not only are my things a must but so are DD's, which is a lot more than you could possibly imagine for such a little person. He makes me feel like I'm not giving up anything and I'm not doing anything. I've been looking for jobs back home because of how he makes me feel but then I have to find a daycare that's adequate and trusting and convienant because someone has to watch the little one while I'm away. My MIL is not working right now but she's planning to go back when she gets back from England and who knows how long or short that might be. I don't want her to feel like she has to watch the baby. I can't leave DD at my mom's because I don't like nor do I trust my mom's husband, plus she lives like 30mins or so from my in-laws. It's almost a lose lose situation and sadly it all makes me want to cry and on top of that cut again. How absolutley unhealthy is that? Parts of me just feel bad, actually I take that back, he makes me feel that bad and I hate that I'm letting him make me feel that way. Sadly, I know how my mom feels now and I feel like such a hypocrite. I really hate that feeling.
Not only do I have his deployment, this upcoming move, my mental health issues at this point, I now have to worry about insomnia due to all these things floating around in my head. Like I don't have enough to worry about and stress over. Sad as it is to say, I hate him right now and I almost wish I wasn't married. If only! Right now I have no one to talk to and all I can really think about is cutting. How pathetic, but it is in the forefront of my mind right now. HELP! It's taking literally all of my control to not. Since I can talk about it obviously somethings going right but I'm afraid at this point if I stop typing and put the computer down because I have nothing left to say, somehow the blade will find some part of my body. A part of me says "well at least it's not suicide" but I shouldn't be feeling this way or thinking like that. Fuck!! What's wrong with me? Am I that seriously fucked up in the head still? I could have sworn I took care of this. Seriously, it only happens when peopl or in this case Dh makes me feel inadequate. Or like I'm a screw up or somthing and I'm not doing anything to contribute to this family. I hate that, truly honestly hate that!
Okay, now that that is out there and I've paused to take a few deep breaths, I think that I will read even though its 12 minutes to midnight and I really should get to bed. Ugh!!!!
Labels: cutting, inadequacy, Life, marriage, venting
