Anywhere but Here

Baby Diaries...

I can't remember exactly what I talked about the last time that I actually blogged since I don't do it that often and no one really reads it but the hubby and I are still trying to conceive and lemme tell u, it's wearing me down. I have so many issues it feels like we're NEVER gonna get pregnant. I mean I have mild/moderate endo which in many cases isn't that bad but it's still a hill we must climb over, on top of that, sometime last month I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) and found out that some of my hormone levels are elevated and the doc thinks that my cells are insulin resistant and I'm NOT ovulating, which means the last 6 months was useless except for the fun of it all. Idk, I guess I'm just frustrated. When the doc diagnosed me, she decided that to get me ovulating again it would be best to start me on metformin. It was supposed to help my cells adapt to insulin again and I took it for a month, but the stuff was making me sick. Nausea, vomiting, the whole bit, I even got my period, but sadly no baby this month either. I don't know what else to do. People tell me to relax about it but it's kinda hard to do so when I worry that I won't be able to have children at all. Half the time this stuff just makes me want to cry.

Unfortunatley on top of that, I work at an OB/GYN office here in DelMar and all I see is pregnant women or women who come in an have positive tests or questions about pregnancy and it just makes me feel bad. No, it makes me feel sad. Is it so wrong of me to envy these people and think that I will NEVER have the opportunity to feel the way they do? IDK. My husband is so tired of me talking about it but I can't help it. I'm jealous of these ppl. Plus, one of my co-workers just got married last weekend and ppl are already saying that she'll prolly b pregnant withing the year and that makes me sad. Everything that has anything to do with this subject just depresses me. If they're not talking about getting pregnant tho, they're talking about weight loss all the time and I'm depressed about my weight too... Grrr... Will nothing go right for me. Sometimes I hate my life.

If that wasn't bad enough, my cousin and sister are both talking about having more children and I already know if they wanted to do it right now that they both could with no problems. This would make 4 for my sister and 3 for my cousin and once more 0 for me. I keep telling them they have to wait till I get my first but that's selfish of me and even tho I'd be jealous, prolly cry, about it, I would still be happy for them. In reality I don't have anyone else to tell about this because no one else seems to feel the same way or understand or are just plain tired of hearing about it. I don't know what to do about this bit of depression I'm getting myself into. I just don know anymore.

What's worse is that after all this, I have a bacterial infection as well down there. Sucks I know. Anyways I think I've vented enough, I'll keep u updated when/if I have anything good to share. Take care....

Labels: Babies, Conceiving, marriage, Pregnancy

posted by Inkedfemme @ 10:08 PM